All my favorite foods come in nugget form. (also I accidentally hit the volume button on my iPhone)
“it’s a good thing nigga rhymes with nigga.” -every rapper ever
It’s like a beard on vacation at a pubic hair convention.
Out of place, but oddly accepted.
Hey Sears, don’t call them “throw pillows” then act like I did something wrong in your store!
I like my friends how I like my coffins… dead inside.
I’m getting fat… I can hardly even see my penis anymore.
Not because my fat covers it up, but because the fatter I get the less attractive I find myself when I look down at my body.
At this point I’m basically just burrowing into myself.
I discard men like tampons… not nearly often enough.
Last month my girlfriend got her period twice… it was like God double dared her to get pregnant.
It’s always a relief not to be the worst person at a party… yet I’m always shocked at just how terrible people can be and still be invited out.
My squirrel spa day was a fantastic success, huge thanks to all who participated! (Me and two terrified/beautiful squirrels)
